Browse > Home / Archive by category 'Preteens & Teens'

Teaching Teens and Pre-teens How to Become Self-reliant

May 4, 2008

Children need to develop self-reliance to cope with the world they live in. With self-reliance comes self-esteem. It is particularly important at the pre-teen andTeens early teenage stages to establish guidelines which will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives.

Self-reliance can mean many things - knowing how to look after yourself physically in terms of living healthily; how to defend yourself mentally and physically; being in tune with the world you are living in; being able to stand up for yourself; being competent; being compassionate; having a grounded sense of your self’; being able to understand and adapt to studying, living, being with people who may be very different from yourself.

For our parents’ generation, life seemed much more straightforward than the sometimes bewildering reality many adults face today. For children, too, life was simpler in those days. There was peer pressure, of course, but that really kicked in when you were around sixteen, not six!

When my daughter was younger, I looked at the daughters of my friends - for some reason, life still seems more straightforward for boys - and wondered how we got here. Barbies as dolls - fine - but Barbies as role models for girls aged four? And how do you explain to your beautiful dark-haired girl that she’s more perfect than any plastic doll? And don’t get me started on Bratz

Once they get into their early teens, the pressure to conform intensifies. This encompasses everything from their looks, their accents, their TV watching habits, favorite pop idols and on and on. And the pressure comes at them from every angle - television, magazines and newspapers, computers with their MySpace/MyFace allure.

This dazzling array of in-your-face technology didn’t exist when we were growing up. It meant that we had to be more self-reliant, able to be interested in books, playing outdoors, drawing, playing board games, spending time with our families. The main point here was that our parents knew where we were and what we were being exposed to.

Today we can’t know that about our children - leave them alone for five minutes unsupervised on the computer and you’d be amazed at what they can access - not because they’re being terrible but because children are naturally curious.

Children need to understand that Internet use carries responsibilities. I have friends whose young teenagers have computers and televisions in their bedroom and who have been suddenly horrified at discovering just what their children have been watching or logging on to see. By then the damage has been done - you can’t take back a part of your child’s innocence.

The rule in our house, and in other friends’ houses, is that the computer must be in a family’ space; that computer time is limited to agreed times and that there is parental access (even if it’s just briefly looking over their shoulder while they are chatting to friends). This isn’t always popular but it seems to work out generally.

Helping out as a matter of course when I was growing up meant that all the children in my family grew up able to cook and clean, even my brother! We didn’t find it a chore (well, not most of the time) and it meant that our parents could rely on us when they asked us to clean, tidy, chop vegetables, lay the table, hang the washing out.

These days, parents (I’m just as guilty) seem to do so much for our children - too much? If at eleven, I was able to get up, get washed, eat breakfast, put on the school uniform it was my responsibility to keep clean, shouldn’t my young, almost teenager be able to the same? In fact, in this past year, we have given her more and more responsibility for herself in this area - and she has taken it. So schoolbags are packed before bedtime, clothes sorted for the next day.

Sending our children out to a huge, sometimes impersonal environment of their secondary school feels just as terrifying to parents as it does to the children these days. There were so many issues we didn’t have to face - bullying, drugs, bad language, children being rude to teachers ( and those are just the ones we know about).

Take time to discuss these issues with your children, not in a heavy way, but as casual chats. Teach them coping strategies at an early age - how to deal with bullies, the dangers of drugs and the possible consequences of wanting to be in the ‘cool gang’.

Self-reliance in all these areas begins in the home. If you treat your children with respect and give them boundaries, this will help them to get the wider world in perspective. We point out to our daughter that other children may argue with their parents, even swear but that not one person in either branch of our family behaves like that - and she will agree that these are all pretty decent people - she loves them dearly and recognizes that they are good role models.

We have sanctions in our house - reduced computer or TV times. Respect your elders’ can be gently laid out as a fundamental principle in your house. If your children don’t have respect for you, where could it end? This aspect of self-reliance allows children to grow up understanding that there are consequences for inappropriate behavior.

Allowing our children physical freedom can be scary for them. There are so many potential dangers out there that we want to protect them from - stranger danger, physical attacks. When our daughter left the cozy world of primary school, where we knew all the parents and children in her year, it was terrifying to think of her entering a school with 1800 children.

Teaching self-reliance at this stage should be gradually introduced. If your child is anxious about getting to and from school - take them until they have the confidence to go on their own. But always make sure you know here they are. Teach them how to keep themselves safe; to be alert to any danger; to know how and where to get help,

Give them responsibility over their learning and homework. If they need help, give it to them - after they have had a go themselves. Many school don’t actually teach children how to study and revise - if you are good at these, pass these invaluable skills on to your children. Build it up slowly so that they can learn to tackle their own
homework.

A salutary story - I know a woman, professionally qualified, who was so desperate for her son,a perfectly intelligent child, to do well at school that she ended up helping him with his schoolwork right up to the age of eighteen. The result? Since he had never been given the responsibility of doing his own work, he simply couldn’t cope with higher education. Mum wasn’t there to plan his assignments any more. He dropped out and at the age of twenty-eight still doesn’t have a job.

So it’s not necessarily about how the quality of your children’s work - it’s letting them taking responsibility and get the consequences at school. We have found that setting specific times in which our daughter works provides her - and us -with a routine. Once this is established and children realize that they still have plenty of ‘free time’, the quality of work improves. This is a crucial area in which to give self-reliance to your child.

And peer pressure? It’s not going to go away. It’s important to be clued into your child’s view of the world - and pick your battles! A slightly off-the-wall hairstyle may be acceptable in our household, even make-up on odd occasions but bleaching hair is a definite no-no. Why ruin beautiful hair? Fashion can be accommodated to a degree and your child can still look cool. Going along with every trend to the nth degree will not guarantee self-reliance. Point out other children who don’t slavishly follow inappropriate ways of dressing -no, they are not all geeks, nerds.Most of them look great. Many of them come families who believe just what we believe.

Teaching your child from an early age about healthy foods, exercise and personal grooming will instill good habits for life and a confidence that they can present themselves well.

We live in a pressurized world. The main thing we can teach our children is to have confidence in themselves, their opinions. Self-reliance comes from knowing that you are OK as a person and that has to start at home.

These are some of the ways your pre-teen and early teenage child can gain self-reliance.

Popularity: 61% [?]

Written by Helium.com · Filed Under Preteens & Teens